


She's got you mesmerized (while I die)

by minyarddd03 (orphan_account)



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Kevaaron but not really, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26249455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/minyarddd03
Summary: Well, it’s easier to remain heterosexual after all.
Relationships: Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Kevin Day & Aaron Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	She's got you mesmerized (while I die)

**Author's Note:**

> the tittle is a line from the song heather by conan gray  
> this is a mess lmfao<3

He hopes that if he ignores it hard enough it will go away. Eventually. It’s never worked out before but he can pretend it will. 

And if he yells at Neil more at practice and is extra harsh with the baby foxes, well, no one has to know why. He is fine.

And if he pushes himself extra hard into arduous exy drills and in extra night practices and nearly collapses for exhaustion in his Anthropology class on a Thursday at 9 am, it's none business but his own. 

And fuck Andrew for refusing to bring him to the curt for tonight’s practice after he and the rest of the foxes saw him making a fool of himself in the court missing passes and getting entangled with his legs and falling flat on his face. Fuck him, and fuck Neil for taking his side. He is a grown man, he knows what the fuck he is doing. He is fine. And not Neil’s definition of fine. He is goddammit _ fine.  _

* * *

He is dancing and dancing, and dancing under the rotating and never stopping nightclub’s lights while letting strangers’ hands touch him as they all move to the beat of a song like waves in the ocean. It feels so wrong, he wants to laugh. Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe is something else. But he continues dancing with the pretty ladies and keeps letting them roam their hands through his chest and his arms anyway. And when they invite him to the far back of the dance floor, he goes. The sad thing is that there is nothing remarkable about the making out session. Pretty early on he tastes bitter in his tongue instead of the glossy lipstick and the too-sweet-and-too-strong perfume that one of the girls is wearing is making his nose itch and he wants to go home. He wants to stop but somehow he knows he can't afford it to. So he keeps kissing her. Kissing them. Hard. He bites someone’s bottom lip hard enough to get a long high whine for it. He should be enjoying it. Some part of him is, but a much bigger one is trying very hard to forget the sound of someone’s laugh.

But he is _ fine _ and when the blond one kisses him again, he allows himself for the tiniest second to think it’s another blond pressing their lips against his. He is attempting very hard to stop those kinds of wounding thoughts when a very angry, and very short blond man yanks him away. It makes him feel disoriented and even if he knows is Andrew the twin touching his bare arm, the disappointment in his chest makes him taste sour in his mouth. He lets Andrew lead him to the others as the puppet he knows sometimes he is. 

Andrew is angry with him but he doesn’t care, he goes to fetch another shot at the table instead of looking at any of their faces. And then another. And then another, and when he is going for the fourth tequila shot in a row, Nicky’s hand stops him with something like drunken worry in his slightly unfocused eyes. He asks if something is wrong and tells him that maybe he needs to slow down a little. He says he is fine and ignores Neil’s scoff and Andrew’s insisting eyes. The pang in his chest for the absence of a fourth pair of eyes that is usually there makes him feel sorrow. But he is  _ fine  _ so he swallows his feelings and washes the bitter and hollow taste down with that fourth shot of tequila anyway.

He doesn't go down to the dance floor again. Not even in their next trip to Eden’s and Nicky’s pleading eyes. 

* * *

They lost the away game on Friday and after he snaps at Allison and Johnson, the bus ride back to the fox court is tense and the three and a half hours feel like a lifetime. He is in the second last row in front of Andrew and Neil and somehow he can feel the weight of their combined stare through the seat. He puts his headphones on and turns up the volume so high his head starts to hurt a little but he ignores it, he has been very good at that lately. He takes out of his duffel the book for his Modern History: from c.1800 to the Present class and forces himself to learn all about the earliest revolutions. He gives up after reading the same page a few times and retaining a total of zero information. His mood gets worse when he realizes there’s still at least two more hours on the ride. 

He is looking through the window to the boring landscape when he feels someone sitting next to him. He doesn’t have to turn around to know it’s Neil. He welcomes his presence when he starts to discuss their performance at the game. He joins him after hearing a few rants about the incompetence of the other team and their defensive line. Talking about exy makes him feel better. He understands exy, he knows the rules and the drills and the best way to score a goal. He loves exy. Loves the thrill and the adrenaline and how it makes him feel close to his mom, and even to his father. Exy has taken a lot from him but has helped him to find his friends and family too. It’s a bittersweet feeling, but he wouldn’t change it. Well, that is blatant lie. He would change some things. Some very important things the nest made him learn and never forget. 

After a while, the others join them and the time left in the bus passes rather quickly. When they get off from the bus Allison scoffs at him but otherwise, no hard feelings were hurt and the freshman apologies and promises to be better next time and asks if he can join the extra practices. 

When they get to the fox tower everyone but he and Andrew get out of the Maserati. Before he can get out of the car too, Andrew presses a button and locks the car’s doors. He feels anxious and a little terrified, it’s been a while since he and Andrew had one of these moments. He crosses and uncrosses his arms a few times before deciding to grasp tightly the hem of his gym shorts. No one talks for a few minutes and the waiting is making him feel like a bundle of nerves. Andrew turns slowly and looks straight in his eyes curling the tiniest bit his lip at him, and asks what the fuck is wrong with him. It makes him feel like a little kid scolded by a parent. After some bullshit excuse about the pressure for the incoming games that no one of them believes and then a quiet one about Thea dumping him Andrew let him go with a considerate look in his face. They both know that is not the whole truth but he is grateful that Andrew is letting it go. 

Knowing Andrew, at least for now.

* * *

The five of them are at Eden’s and he is downing shots as if his life depended on it. And the next morning, while he is trowing up in the bathroom at the house in Columbia, some sick part of him, is happy that at least he now has an excuse to feel like shit. After a quick shower, he joins the others in the living room and tries to ignore the heavy feeling in the center of his chest and drinks his coffee keeping his eyes glued to the mug. He would prefer browsing idly on his laptop or watch and exy game, but his head won’t allow it so he lets Nicky’s voice chatting about his plans for the weekend distracting him for a while. The stinging ache is back in full force when he sees Aaron come down the stairs looking unfairly good for a Saturday morning and sitting next to him on the old brown couch. 

Aaron puts up with Nicky’s teasing only for a few minutes before yelling at him to shut the fuck up, and before Neil can open his mouth and make things worse, Aaron’s phone rings loudly. He gets up and goes outside to talk with his girlfriend. 

He feels his body tense up and can’t pinpoint if the queasiness he’s feeling right now is a product of the hangover or not. The way his heart is beating tells him that that is definitely not the reason why. He doesn’t realize he has been too absorbed in his own thoughts until Nicky is waving a hand in front of his face and asking him if he wants to play videogames with him. He accepts the controller even though he would prefer to be under a pile of blankets in his room a thousand times more. Before Nicky turns the game on, he risks taking a look at his right side and sees Neil calculating eyes already on him. He looks away as quickly as possible and pretends to be listening intensely to Nicky’s instructions on how to play.

He can’t concentrate on the videogame going on on the tv in front of him, it hasn’t been more than ten minutes since it started and his character has already died three times. Neil is still looking at him with too knowing eyes and Aaron still hasn’t come back and Andrew can come down any minute and Nickys is laughing at him because his character just died _ again _ and he feels too raw, too exposed, like an insect on a microscope. Suddenly, he gets this urge to get the fuck out from there, so he pauses the game, gets up, and goes to the bathroom upstairs as fast as he can. It’s the only room in the house he can lock the door. He leans back against the closed door and tries to breathe but somehow it’s harder than it normally is. His hands are shaking, his lungs start to burn and it feels like he is dying. Distantly, he thinks he’s having a panic attack. He tries to grasp the lock or the wall but his hands aren’t responding and it’s only making him more anxious. In a blur, he on the floor, on his knees, with his hands against the cool tiled floor. He keeps breathing in and out as much as he can, and after some big and more steady breaths, he starts to calm down and lower his heartbeat. On shaky legs, he gets up and holds himself against the bathroom sink. He looks at his reflection on the mirror and barely recognizes the man looking back. It’s in instants like this one when he understands Andrew’s anger and his predilection to hit and break things. 

He feels so tired. So sick of this shit. 

He washes his face with cold water and prepares himself mentally to go back to the living room. When he arrives there, he only sees Nicky. He tells him that Andrew and Neil went to get food. He tells him that Aaron has gone out and that they won’t see him until Sunday afternoon at the dorms. His tone is playfully and he is doing the weird thing with his eyebrows. He knows Nicky is doing it to lightening the mood, but it only makes him feel worse. Something must be showing on his face because Nicky’s whole demeanor changes; his face takes a more serious look, his smile is gone and now there’s a frown on his forehead. He asks him if something is wrong and if he wants to talk about it in an earnest and cautious tone. The thing is, if he could say these things out loud, he would probably take his offer, but he can’t. He knows he couldn’t. The words would die on his throat before he can even begin. And even if Nicky is well-intentioned, he knows he won’t be able to keep a secret even if it is to save his own life. After all, there are some things you can only trust yourself with. And even if he tells him what is going on, Nicky can’t do anything to change it or make it better. Instead, he opts for saying to him he’s tired. And it’s a partial truth even if he feels like Neil when he says it. He knows Nicky is not dumb and definitely can call him out on his bullshit, but there is a serious and understanding look on Nicky’s eyes. It’s quite frightening if he is being honest with himself for once. At the end of some soul-crushing silence that makes his skin crawls, Nicky just nods and without looking at him offers him his own bed if he wants to lay down for a while, considering he will be playing videogames and calling Erik anyway. He feels so relieved, he has to blink rapidly to keep the wetness away from his eyes. 

Later a much-needed nap and a lot of denial, he comes downstairs and pretends that everything is fine. The rest of the weekend is pretty uneventful, save from the constant reminder that Aarons is staying with his girlfriend.

* * *

Now, it’s not only Neil, Andrew, and Nicky giving him off looks, but it’s also coach Wymack. It makes Monday practice almost impossible to bear. On Wednesday, he catches Allison and Matt interchanging money and whispering behind his back. On Thursday, at the gym, he feels at least five pairs of eyes on him. On Thursday afternoon practice, he has had enough of this shit and for the first time on his life, he walks out of an exy practice and the scornful expression on Aaron’s face hurts more than he can put into words. Once inside the locker room, he doesn’t know if he should go back and let everyone keep looking at him like a bomb about to go off, take a cold shower, punch a locker, go back there and punch Jack for his stupid comments, scream or go back and yell at Aaron just because he can. He kind of wants to cry. He feels the absence of his mom so much, he would give anything to have her giving him more one hug and telling him what the fuck to do. He wants so many things he can’t have, it makes him choke on air. In the end, is Andrew yanking his sweaty sweatshirt down until he is sitting on the bench the one deciding for him.

* * *

He walks in on Andrew and Neil making out on the couch when he goes to the dorm to fetch one of the textbooks he needs for his 11:45 class. He closes the door quickly and leaves the hallway as hurried as his legs allow him, he really doesn’t want to be on Andrew’s annoyed side again. The feeling of jealousy stays with him until his last class is over and he is back in the fox tower to drop his things and get ready to go to today’s afternoon practice. It gets way worse when he sees Katelyn leaving Aaron’s dorm. She smiles at him and wishes him a good afternoon. The uneasy feeling in his stomach stays with him much, much longer though.

* * *

Seeing himself being lockout of his dorm room  _ again _ this week on a Wednesday evening, he forces himself to take a few steady and encouraging breaths and goes to Aaron, Nicky, and Matt’s room. He knocks lightly on the door and is both parts relieved and disappointed that Nicky is the one that greets him at the door. He sees him there and then looks at the closed door at the other side of the corridor and laughs out loud but invites him in nonetheless. Matt and Nicky are in the middle of some zombie battlefield videogame that he couldn’t care less about but there is a bottle of vodka between them that he is more than happy to take care of. He watches them play for a short period the time, but his attention is all focused on the one person that is not here with them. It’s pretty late and midterms are over so he knows he is staying there, with her. He wonders if they are having sex right now. He wonders if the thought of her is what makes him come. He wonders and wonders and wonders. He starts to picture some scenarios next, but when Katelyn isn’t in one of them anymore, he shakes his head so violently he loses his balance and drops the bottle of vodka on the floor. He is shocked to see its empty. He doesn’t miss the way Matt and Nicky met eyes and pause the game. There is silence. Fuck, he is so done with those. He rubs his face and tries and fails to shut up the voice in his head that repeats one name.

Matt coughs and excuses himself saying something about going to fetch a very important thing he forgot at Dan’s. When he is gone, Nicky picks up the empty bottle and turns it around in his fingers. He stares at it intensely before opening and closing his mouth, but no sound comes out. After a few tries, he asks if he please can tell him how to help him. Nicky looks up and the concern and helpless in his eyes look so genuine he can’t help to feel taken aback. One second he doesn’t know what to do but at the next second he is laughing or trying to but the sound that comes out is all wrong and it’s sound a lot more like a wet sob, he feels like he is going insane. Maybe he is. He doesn’t realize he is crying until Nicky wipes some of his tears away. He asks again, but he doesn’t get a reply. Nicky gives a weary sigh but doesn’t push. 

It’s a while before one of them says o do anything else. 

When he gets up from the couch, Nicky does too and they stare at each other before Nicky engulfs him in a tight hug. He feels his insides screaming at him to let go, but he can’t. He wonders how can you feel so much in an instant and then nothing. He returns the hug for three seconds before removing himself from Nicky’s arms. Fuck, he is so tired. Nicky asks him if he wants to sleep on Aaron’s bed instead of going back to his room. And the thought alone of it, it’s enough to send another wave of throbbing pain in his body. He declines and moves aside to get the fuck out of the room. 

He tries the doorknob of his dorm but it doesn’t open. Fuck. He is so sick of the shitty things that keep happening to him. He pounds at the door with all the rage he feels inside until a tired-looking Neil opens the door and gives him an unimpressed look. He feels his blood boiling and it’s about to give him a piece of his mind in the most Neil’s way possible when all emotions abandon him like the air to a deflated balloon. He just pushes past him and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. 

He goes to bed an closes his eyes but can’t fall asleep. He looks up at the ceiling and tries to forget everything that isn’t exy related. He can do that. He can just think about the incoming games, the stats of their next rival team. Yeah. 

It doesn’t work. 

He allows himself five minutes to _ just _ feel and get over with this shit. The stinging ache in his chest makes him want to scream but he bites his tongue. Hard. And no sound leaves his lips. 

He feels pathetic. He is being pathetic, he knows it. He’s been feeling and acting like an empty shell of who he used to be. It makes him mad. It’s just a fucking guy. He shouldn’t be feeling like  _ this _ . It’s just some stupid crush, nothing else. Nothing will come out of this. _ Nothing. _ Even if Aaron wasn’t straight. And that is a dangerous thought. He lets himself feel the stupid yearning. But not more. Not fucking more. He is Kevin fucking Day and he will bury this shit and focus on being the best exy striker in the fucking world. Exy is the only thing that matters, he can’t afford distractions, not anymore. With that in mind, he drifts to a restlessly sleep.

* * *

When he wakes up, he texts Thea after four months of radio silence.

* * *

On the water break at the afternoon practice three days after he sent her the text, he checks his phone and sees her reply. He sents her another one and his ego glows when he sees the three dots appear almost immediately. He can focus on exy and Thea. Yeah. He can do that. He can ignore everything else. Yeah, yeah, he can do that. He sees a future with exy and Thea. It’s the best choice for him and his career. Yeah. He got this. Yeah. Yeah. He can love her, of course. He hopes that if he says it enough it will become real. Eventually. It’s never worked out before but he can pretend it will. 

Well, it’s easier to remain heterosexual after all. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading anyway<3


End file.
